What Santa Really Thinks

I've been writing fake Santa letters and responses for several years now (here is this year's bunch). Here are a few all-stars. Envisioning Santa as a sarcastic, exasperated, corner-cutting Christmas legend is always such fun. His voice is the one in my head when I'm trying really hard to be nice.

 Santa's Intercepted Correspondence

 Dear Santa,

First of all I wanted to say THANK YOU for my Xbox 360.  It is totally awesome and sweet and I love fragging the bad guys in Halo 3.  In fact, I’ve gotten so good I can beat it on Legendary without taking a hit.  My mom is really proud of me, and all my friends at school call me Master Chief.  THIS YEAR I am asking for some diabetes medication.

Thanks Santa!

Jeffy

Dear Jeffy,

Well, I sure am glad you enjoyed your present.  And I have to say, I feel bad for you, kid… childhood obesity can be a bear.  It almost looks like I’m grooming a whole generation of kids for jobs as mall Santas, or like I’m on GlaxoSmithKline’s payroll to help increase Avandia sales.  Anyway, this year I’m going to bring you Guitar Hero III.  That’ll force you to at least stand up once in a while.

Merry Xmas,

Santa

PS – Seriously, though, my GlaxoSmithKline contract stipulates I mention Avandia twice within each holiday correspondence, so, Avandia, coupled with diet and exercise, is an effective way to manage your type 2 diabetes.  Happy Holidays.

Dear Mr. Claus,

You’ll have to forgive us BECAUSE WE ARE A LITTLE ON EDGE.  It’s just, you know, when your absolute destruction is coming, but you just don’t know when… THAT GUY HAS FIREWOOD – WAS IT PURCHASED LOCALLY?!?  Sorry.  For Christmas, maybe you could bring HOLY CRAP I SEE ONE.  Nope, nope, it’s just a box elder bug.  Could we defer our presents to the ash borers?  Could you bring them a whole bunch of twinkies or something?

The Ash Trees

Dear trees,

I do not envy you guys, let me tell you.  As a big dude without much access to quality laundry facilities here at the North Pole, I am also under constant insect threat.  Except, for me it’s bedbugs.  Gross.  I guess the best way to keep bedbugs away is to wash your sheets, so I’ll bring y’all some laundry detergent, okay?

And if that doesn’t work, we are always looking for more raw materials for the baseball bat division.  Yay recycling!

Santa

Dear America’s Santa Claus,

Yeah, we need all the toys back.  ALL of them.

China

China,

Don’t even joke around.  All of them?  Is this a lead paint thing?

That’s just great.  Now everyone’s getting magazine subscriptions.  Dammit.

Santa

Dear Saint Nick,

Please be advised that if you visit the Chippewa Valley after visiting West Africa, you will be subjected to a mandatory three-week quarantine in the old post office building. And if you are carrying any toys that make us think of Africa, stuffed zebras or giraffes or whatever, that’s a two-week quarantine. If you inadvertently hum anything that reminds of Toto’s 1983 hit song “Africa,” one week.

Sincerely,

Chippewa Valley Nurses

Dear Nurses,

Oh geez. Here we go. You know I’ve been doing this for a while, right? I’ve lived through polio, SARS, Spanish flu. Didn’t infect everyone Christmas morning those times, did I? Give me a break. Hand sanitizer, cough into your elbow, rubber gloves. Got it.

Saint Nick

Dear Jolly Christmas Elf,

Merry Christmas! First of all, I hope you are taking it easy on the Christmas cookies! Fruits and vegetables, Santa, fruits and vegetables! Second, you know I was recently redone to stress the importance of fruits and vegetables, and just when I was starting to get some traction, all sorts of people start getting sick from cantaloupes! Can I just have ONE year without a major food-borne illness from fresh produce? Or even better, maybe you can arrange some E. Coli on some Doritoes? Trichonosis from Slim Jims? Diptheria on some Corn Nuts?

Thanks!

The New Food Pyramid

Dear Food Pyramid,

About those cookies… Dried cranberries and raisins count as fruit, right? So, a bunch of those cookies could be a serving. And if I drink a bunch of orange juice, that’s got to be a few servings, I’m sure. And I know French fries don’t count as vegetables, but they kind of count, right? So, I’m doing pretty good.

Kris “Bowl Full of Jelly” Kringle