Brilliance Achieved While Clearing Snow

Every snow removal event begins with noble intentions. This time I will shovel. Shoveling is great exercise. Old people sometimes summon heart attacks with the effort of shoveling, so it must burn incredible calories. And shoveling forces quality time with my yard, my land, my little fiefdom on the corner of Nimitz St. and Pamela Pl. I can survey my kingdom like a baron while I scrape the concrete. And shoveling builds fortitude and work ethic, like I'm a role playing game character. Every stroke of the snow shovel is a point. When I was kid, I leveled up every few snowfalls, but an advanced guy like me takes years to unlock new achievements. Still. Someday, when I need to battle an abominable snowman or other extreme ice creature, I'll be ready.

You know what? The snow's a little heavier than I assumed. There's a few more inches than I thought. The snowblower will clear the brunt of it, but I'll clean up with a shovel. That will still count.














Jobs That, Like Clearing Snow, Will Eventually Do Themselves
1. Building demolition
2. Artificially aging new clothes so they look worn
3. Killing livestock
4. Wiping up spilled water off of surfaces that are unaffected by standing water
5. ???

My brother and I handled most of our family’s shoveling when we were kids, but not without an admirable amount of whining.  My dad, with saintly compassion, suggested we try a new approach.  “Try making a game out of it,” he suggested.  “Guess how many rows it will take you to finish the sidewalk, and see how close you are.”  As he had shoveled considerably more miles of sidewalk than I had, I tried it.  Now I count everything - minutes until the end of my work shift, hours until the weekend, socks that need to be folded, words in my writing, and swipes of the toothbrush. The long section of the sidewalk always takes about 90 rows.

People Who Benefit Most From Snowless Winters
1. Flip-flop manufacturers
2. Grave diggers
3. Bugs
4. Kids who really like rolling down hills
5. Bike messengers?

One thing I care about a lot more because of the snow - My shoes. We all do up here. We all have to. In some parts of the world, people can just throw on any pair of shoes at any time. Can you imagine what that would be like? Can you imagine how much less pressure those people face when it's time to leave the house? Up here, one needs to consider how much snow fell, what type of snow fell, how much ice covers the sidewalks, what kind of ice, how warm it will get, and what tasks the day will contain. Only then can an appropriate pair of shoes be selected, and we all know exactly which ones will work in every winter situation.
One thing I care about a lot less because of the snow - A few weeks before a particularly nasty snowstorm about ten years ago, a middle-aged gentleman and his wife moved into the townhouse across the parking lot from my wife and me.  He drove a burnt-orange, shiny Firebird.  After the aforementioned snowstorm, he attempted to drive his perfectly stereotypic mid-life-crisis-mobile.  He spun his tires for ten minutes, spraying dirty slush fifteen feet up the side of our building.  Three weeks later, he sold the car.  He explained to me, “It just didn’t make sense for winter.” In fact, no cars make sense for winter. They're all covered in a salt glaze, and no matter what you do, your floor mats will be thick with dirty ice balls. So give up. You can get a car wash in April.

Every time I turn on the TV in the winter, I hope that one of the local weather anchors will break into show, out of breath with excitement.  She will try to collect herself as her weather teammate, also visibly perturbed, will furrow his brow and switch from his normal, forced exuberance to a calm monotone that indicates what he is about to say is very, very serious.  Then, they will both try to piece together the following story.  Meteorologist scouts stationed in northern Canada were awoken by the screeching of their instruments.  They sprang from their cots still half asleep, but were shocked into total alertness at the readings racing across their screens.  They ran a few tests that confirmed the wonderful news - the jet stream shifted south, which meant the south side of the Eau Claire, with my house as the epicenter, would be receiving a massive, record-breaking, mind-boggling amount of snow.  Then, the two anchors,  overcome by their happiness, would hug.

I really like snow. Sometimes I just need to remind myself.

An Honest Christmas Letter

This is a work of fiction (that's "made up,"  for those of you who haven't been in an English class in awhile.) However, I make no guarantee that the people and situations depicted herein don't resemble real life people and events.

Happy Holidays from the Rasmussens!

2015 was another great year for our family, and we wanted to send along a quick update. One of the best parts of the holidays is making fun of each others' Christmas letters and pretentiously correcting their grammar. We double checked all our apostrophes, but theres' sure to be some mistake's! Here we go!

The one picture we got of the kids with their eyes open

The kids are both growing and learning new things every day. Our daughter finished up preschool at the top of her class, and started kindergarten towards the top of the bottom third. Her favorite part is picking out crazy outfits every morning, with wild colors and patterns, and it should only be another year or two before crushing peer pressure extinguishes that creative spirit. Our son became a second-grader, and his favorite subjects are lunch and coming home. He tried joining a soccer league, although he's pretty scared of the ball and the only reason he sticks with it is because one time we bought him a slushy from the concession stand at the sports center. We're all enjoying the daily routines of being a young family, like fighting over teeth brushing and managing the charging of everyone's electronic devices, which we all use way, way too much.

My new running shoes, lookin' sharp!

We all set some goals for 2015, and our updates are as follows. I strove to run a 5k at some point during the year, and I took several steps towards that goal. I bought running shoes, and wore them one time when I cleaned the garage. After that, I thought about running more than a few times, so I'm still making progress! My son decided to stop using the words "poop" and "fart" so often, and he failed miserably. Our daughter strove to accomplish some kindergarten basics, like shoe tying and not showing her underwear to everyone all the time because she just can't figure out that wearing cute dresses means she can't roll around on the ground. She's almost got the shoes taken care of! And my wife attempted to be more patient with the kids and me, and there's still a few weeks left in the year.

Our Netflix screen, where we spent a lot time this year

The biggest news for my wife and me is probably our television consumption in 2015. We rewatched Game of Thrones, caught up on House of Cards, and made it most of the way through Fringe, which is like X-Files, only crazier. We tried watching a few documentaries to be more socially responsible, but gravitated back towards The Office for the third time through. In 2016, we really hope to get to Orange is the New Black.

My wife's well-earned posterior

Early in the year, my wife set out on a brand new fitness and nutrition regime, which worked. She looks great! Unfortunately, her life is now devoid of happiness and joy as her world is consumed with carb counts and desperate yearning for the Tootsie Rolls the kids now have to hide in their rooms. I, on the other hand, have gained nine pounds, mostly on the backs of fun sized candy bars. Thankfully, I've only outgrown two pairs of pants. Everything else still fits!

November brought with it an unfortunate challenge for me in the form an ingrown hair on my chin. My wife unsuccessfully went at it with a tweezers early on, and we decided to give a few weeks to ripen. Eventually I caught it with the beard trimmer and the hair that unfurled seemed to be a foot and a half long! So, while things turned out alright, we were all pretty upset for awhile there, and hopefully we are out of the dermatological woods!

We hope all of our friends and family had as fabulous of a year as we did! We look forward to seeing many of you in 2016, and we wish all of you, near and far, a very Happy Holidays.

Love,

The Rasmussens